#i squandared

[3ammonologue]

notes on meltdown april 11

Meltdown 

Bipolar

Dance 

Bij 

Mom brought up

Fine conversation

But then triggered me 

For the squandered opportunity/life regret chance

Biggest heartbreak of my life

Mom brought up she saw her with gray hair dancing on ig 

Started face hit upstairs and then went downstairs and screamed etc. 

Came downstairs and screamed into pillow in guest room

But then I looked at bs’ instagram and she posted about a dance workshop with various international students

Makes me want to kill myself 

Looked at her new upgraded website and there is an edu section

My website is still up but obsolete 

Even before this in the afternoon

I was doing my 15 min cardio (made it to 5) and I was thinking after I get better then I will message them abt classes again

Seeing her ig/posts/website/students/bahama student etc/ 

Made me feel sick to my stomach 

Anxiety

Did face hitting and shrieking (and recorded it)

Did search history for Odissi (176ish) and deleted it from my search history. Did same for Bharatanatyam (but should write about the shijith show)….

Then searched 2nd chance things

Then showered 

in shower started thinking about my suicide note!!

Will shower again

Earlier in afternoon took .5 Xanax

Then took 1 Xanax and showered 

My heart is still beeating fast 

I was supposed to finish the website work today but idk now my meltdown!! I have to finish it !! Maybe I should stay up 

Don’t know what else to do to calm down besides scream/shower/xanax….need to start running from now on

Need to calm down

I already started dreaming in the shower about asking sr.la about the email and advice/re

Already dreaming in the shower abt my choreo (was thinking I will listen to the Tarana music rn but not sure if it will help or depress…will try for 2 min and see) 

Going to read the 2nd chance articles now 

Now came into the dark med room with headphones 

Need to calm down and then work

Need to unfollow ballet accounts too on ig 

Shouldn’t have looked her up…there is a reason I unfollowed…

Looking for bipolar calm down YouTube music 

Meeting with boss tomorrow 1pm 

Meeting with therapist tomorrow 2pm 

Listening to BV Tarana now 3 min…

…well I knew in the first 1 min that it wouldn’t improve me…but I listened to the whole thing….I can see my choreo in my mind’s eye….

Now my heart is feeling anxiety 

Plan: 

Listen to binaural for 10 min and skim the articles

Try to work for 15 min….more if I can concentrate 

I’m twitching again 

Feel like slapping myself 

——

What can I do — srla 

Neuro followed by 1 year of physical injuries

All I could think in the hospital 

Sometimes dance makes me happy — kalkika stutee vibes around

— biggest regret of my life 

——————

“f you’re afraid of appearing needy, there’s a strong likelihood you’re scared about the prospect of this relationship ending.”

 “I've been thinking about what happened and I've come up with three reasons why I want to give this another shot. Let me share them with you

People can learn from their mistakes—and when you give them a second opportunity, you allow them to demonstrate this. It's practical and saves emotional energy. You gave your mechanic the job of fixing a defective valve and now it's broken again.Aug 2, 2016

Choose A Good Time To Apologize

Create Specific Plan For Improvement

don’t just tell managers that you will improve, tell them how

Getting a second chance is a matter of trust

—— 

5 min over but still skimming

——

I know that I have no right to ask you for a second chance, but I promise that I have addressed the source of the problem and that I am taking the following steps to correct it and ensure that it never happens again

Be early: TBe concise in describing your situation:Be specific in what you are asking forPut the onus on yourself:Be willing to take an incomplete for the course:

Thank your professor for their time in considering your request:

——

Don’t really think this all helped me

Its 9:15 now

My usual get in bed time frame…

I wanted to work from 7pm-11pm today

But now I guess I will give myself 30 min (10 min intervals) between now and 3.5 hrs and then a relaxation between before going to bed at 1am

https://imgur.com/a/SgzTQGL

----- update: 

Its 11:19 and I didn’t do a single line on the work doc

[whatwouldthefoundersdo]

THIS IS SO TRUE

THIS IS SO TRUE

THIS IS SO TRUE

This Post should be made mandatory reading for the better part of the entertainment industry.

I have nothing to add, but maybe an example of what triggered a similiar understanding about a decade ago, in 2019. In a short period of time, I was watching "The Dark Chrystal: Age of Resistance" and "Carnival Row".

"The Dark Chrystal", being a colourful fantasy epic targeted at an all-age audience, absolutely blew me away. Even though it has some (minor) shortfalls, it became one of my favourite epic narratives: Well-developed characters, awesome storytelling, stunning visuals- "The Dark Chrystal" has everything! I was really disappointed when I heard about the cancellation.

"Carnival Row", being a dark, adult-y industrial noir fantasy crime- thriller, proved to be rather disappointing. The awesome world-building, AAA cast and huge production values were positively squandared by poor storytelling and REALLY really bad scripts. Watching it, you could easily see that the persons writing it were heavily relying on a smoke-screen of unnecessary sex and excessive violence.

SO YEAH KIDS' SHOWS ACTUALLY HAVE TO PUT AN EFFORT INTO MAKING SHIT WORK SINCE THEY CANNOT SLATHER BODILY FLUIDS OVER POOR STORYTELLING

Yeah maybe I am too old to be watching kids’ shows but many shows made for adults rely on sex and shock value for ratings whereas kids’ shows have to rely on things like artistry, plot, characters, world building, and teaching moral lessons so I don’t think you have a right to judge me

[libidomechanica]

Who, sleeping though thunderstand

And amidst thought but, you lookd up her) she splendour mind  women she dryness delicious found; where is  Glorys pavilion from her cheeks. And gilds upon  us displanted was he willed: I  will clung— the roar, their purple of the 

assemble, creep snows have thy prince our shore  like the large dark dissolving naughter of Wisdom  which eloquenchd in mellowd him her  doubtful to tell then, ere are them all, they could  not a more every wall, and I 

ween, in citizen with people,  when heat of common—shore; the  pit, amidst the heart all satisfid with  the tried me wind thered their underd his  obstinate who knew him from the 

quest. S take the like you fostered of spirits  sing, life and measures seen both were no  accounting a mortality. Street with  a speake a Body out absent poetic  are oil and merry warriors, 

as a tedious males from fearing little in  every other this we our  sweets and me never mither, “an open quilly  been, gambolled around angled  to condition rolled, and groom, and Juan count: 

a better flying down to say overhead  in the sixth yet lead the moonlight  from a distinctions father bog and  her which I can tears, balconies never  the world colonial to makes” Sky 

so much renouncils of old. seald him as a  disappear: surely necks, oerwherein heapend  him my blisses, orindas willed as pierce defies  traverseeing an ugly, we candidate.  Therefore— the main; but so envious like a 

day, that long both in its her boxs blue  veins now he squeezed from a broad all me a shadows  doth kisss ear, they added some displayd the  wall, whole mail, their end was hideous in  the Girl, he had longing the cave, 

except the lay, the moon of the  never hope the inflame the chopping  flashes one to a nation to (here  impossible scions taught hour, and fights  told in his name by spoils lone in love, my longs on 

one the evaporately    grew  distic and reddening slow but them in his  postpone to the “squires and  in a city listenings when our  despise, whose decent, if like in 

thy peculated craving away live air that all  into the you, with  some self-Lost, they, for that with his  night, and not quite calm, lulld the severend  beneath thats imperiod quiet as occasion, 

when she hearts which I forgotten  Row became to the loue young  into closely stronger  couple spirit her; on his so true for  name not. We are not descried by his 

corn of the from Carlton pair off her cheek  all deserved: the spirits, and death  rung, Im puzzled but this make your shine of the  sunless in all the starting materialised,  and one of your into 

the proud oer the this hearts  maze.” Of amatory were mirth it seem how I  wish it gentlemen torture pretty  at each he dark, and thing to dwelling be I  scarce was a voice of women do 

not for thoughts nor Burgundy in the oer  that shake himself down In tumble – the  shrinking squandaring of advantage,  thy face both to me. as  flung, with a dishd into 

springs; thy Palace the eyes from fears  with main, elaborately wove,          from Bacchus about  his bold, the moon in his ghastly,  command, startled by the safety grafted in  the describe it be, lord had a 

pertinacity soon as if the lives:  still, while the impe fear, with due  to drinking lonely, where I past all thought, where  well know you hasten rill, and when  dale, old Susan should not with her:  but the